I laid in bed the other night with just a heavy heart. I couldn't sleep even though I was extremely tired. I just laid there. So I started doing what I always do when I can't sleep, I prayed. I started out by just thanking Him that I have a family back home that honors and fears the Lord. That I have a church family that does everything they can do to enhance His kingdom. That even though I am in one of the poorest countries in the world, I still have a bed, food in my fridge and a roof over my head. But I started to really think about that. Then the tears just started flowing- why me?
I started to think of all the beggars and the fact that you can't go anywhere without children wrapped around you begging for food... and not just any food, they want "pizza and ice cream", not the food that you give them. I thought of the men and women that come up to you in stopped traffic hounding you to give them money, no matter how many times you tell them "I am sorry, but I don't give out money." I thought of the children and teenagers with deformities that I can't even begin to describe. The ones that were not born with these deformities. The ones that have been forced to become slaves, and beaten and abused so that they can fulfill the role of becoming beggars. I would be lying if I said I don't get annoyed with them, if sometimes I just wished that I could walk 2 blocks without having someone wrapped around my arms. But I thought of the beggars that I have seen regularly, except I replaced their faces with my families faces. I imagined my 14 year old brother, Haddon and pictured him as the little boy that hangs out near the grocery store, the one who's face lights up when he sees me hoping that maybe today he'll get something to eat. I pictured Hudson- the teenage muslim boy that I've seen that is missing one leg and an arm begging for money at the same intersection everyday. Hopping on a crutch from one car to another banging on windows hoping to receive something. I pictured my mom as the blind woman that I've seen who tries to dodge moving traffic in hopes of maybe getting a meal to feed her starving children. And I see my dad as the man who sits on the side of the road with his head in his hands, loosing hope day by day, just barely surviving.
Why me? Why am I the one that comes from this luxurious lifestyle. Why did God choose me to be in the position that I am in, why is my family not begging on the side of the streets, getting shooed off by foreigners that just want to make a quick trip to the store? I don't think I will ever know why God chose me to be on the other side of the scale, but I do know that He does everything for His glory. But then you start thinking, there are 5 million people in this city, and I am only 1 person. That's not really a fair ratio God. I get so overwhelmed by this. What can I do? I'm not doing enough. I fed one beggar, but there are still millions more. These thoughts roam around, and they're unhealthy thoughts. Ones that the enemy places there to make me feel useless and terrible about myself. But I don't think God is telling me to fix this problem. In fact I know He isn't. Instead, He's telling me to go out and love them. To view them as people too. People that He loves more than I'll ever know. Maybe it's a smile, or maybe it's holding a child's hand on the sidewalk. Or maybe it's even buying them a meal.
Even though I am confident that I will be in heaven after I die, I don't want the Lord to say "remember that one time you were in South Asia and you constantly had people around you begging. Well when that 5 year old boy asked you for food, you didn't give him something to eat, and when the mother of 5 was asking for something to drink, you didn't offer her your water bottle." I want to hear him say, "you loved the least of these, the ones who are looked so down upon, and you gave them your food, and you gave them something to drink when they had nothing. And you played with the little girl on the street, swinging her around and making her laugh when all she knew was sorrow and hopelessness." That's what I want to hear. And I know you can't feed everyone who asks, so that's where His wisdom and discernment comes into play, my prayer is that He will open my eyes to the ones that I need to go up to and help. And even though I am so unworthy, I will do my best to bring His hope and love to the people of South Asia.
